How to Self-Coach Yourself for Breakthroughs

How to Self-Coach Yourself for Breakthroughs

As a coach, I ask my clients a lot of questions. Questions that make them think, feel, and react.

Questions that others don't ask them - and that they haven't thought of asking themselves.

While it's true that working with a coach or therapist can fast-track your progress, you can do some of this work on your own.  The whole point of my work as a coach is to help clients create their own self-awareness so they can coach themselves. I don't want to have anyone depending on me for the rest of their lives!

(sidebar:  any coach who pushes you into signing up for another 12-month coaching program is more of a salesperson than a coach... I invite you to be cautious with these types of "coaches"!)

Today I listened to a podcast of an interview with psychologist Ken Sheldon.  The interview inspired me to create a 3-step self-coaching process to help you gain clarity on something.

The process is based on Ken's statement that says:

"We are self-programming organisms. We are creating our lives via our choices, but we are not taught how to do this well. We are not taught how to ask ourselves the questions that will get us the answers that we need."

This process is something you can use right now to help you get the answers you need about anything.  At the end of this post, I'll share how this process worked for me when I was unhappy in my marriage and didn't know what to do.

Self-Coach Yourself for Breakthroughs, Step One:

Step One has two parts.

First, consciously work on the problem.

Ask yourself questions and write down those questions (don't worry about the answers yet), and talk to others about your problem, friends, or better yet, your therapist or coach.  Just get it OUT OF YOUR HEAD and into the world or down on paper. Be curious and open during this step.  Again, don't worry about the answers.  Keep asking questions.  Questions like:

What's *really* bothering me?
What emotions do I feel when I consider this issue?
What sensations (tension, pain, buzzing, etc) does my body feel when I focus on this problem?
What don't I want anymore?
What DO I want instead?***
What do I yearn for?***

***Those last two questions are important!

We often know what we DON'T want (we don't want a partner who doesn't listen, we don't want a job that requires 60 hours a week from us, we don't want to be alone).

But we have no idea what we DO want.  And it's ok if you don't know. You may not be there yet.

However, moving towards something is always more powerful than moving away from something.

And asking "What do I yearn for?" cuts to the chase.  It goes deeper.

Maybe you yearn for peace. Freedom.  A sense of being grounded. A feeling of lightness.

But how to get to that peace and freedom..?

This is something I love working on with my clients.  My coaching process involves helping YOU understand who you are as a person - and I use a few assessments to HELP this process of understanding.  This helps you see your strengths, your motivations, your desires AND fears - and how to move through the world with grace and how to better see what you truly want.

Ok, that's the first step. Getting it out of your head and asking yourself some questions.

The second part of the first step, after asking all of those questions, is this:

Do nothing.

Yes, that's right. Just chill. Go for a walk. Take a nap. Watch a movie.

The act of posing all of those questions, speaking them out loud to others, and writing those questions down - these are seeds that you have planted in your subconscious mind.

The podcast mentioned above states that "the subconscious mind is where you have habitual inclinations, emerging intuitions, and motives that you go after even without your own awareness."

And what you are doing in this step is connecting the conscious and subconscious minds, and then letting the subconscious mind do the real work.

And in turn, this gets your conscious mind to reflect on what's going on at a deeper level.

Pretty cool, huh??

Ok, on to Step Two:

Step two has two parts as well.

First, listen and look for "aha" moments and what you DO want.

These moments may be quite subtle, so you must work on your self-awareness and intuition.

You may have spent a lifetime suppressing *your* thoughts, feelings, and desires because you learned as a child that the wishes of your family, friends, teachers, community, and culture were more important.

One way to work on this self-awareness is by being mindful (being present).

When I speak to clients about how to self-coach for breakthroughs, mindfulness often comes up. And it doesn't have to be a fancy practice.

It might look like this:

When you wake up each morning, sit on the edge of your bed, and do nothing for three minutes. Let your mind be a blank screen. Focusing on the breath may help.

Then, notice what comes up and be present to it.  Maybe it's a thought or an emotion, maybe it's a physical sensation of pain or discomfort, maybe you're fighting the urge to reach for your phone, or maybe you're already thinking about your first cup of coffee.

Just notice.

And - this is the important part - don't be sucked away by that thought or emotion or desire to do something (e.g. reach for your phone. Let it go.

Just three minutes, that's all.

Being mindful and present and not getting "hooked in" to thoughts, emotions, or sensations will help you learn how to notice subtle signals that might be lurking on the edge of consciousness.

Spoiler alert:  that "aha" moment may not come for days, weeks, or months, and this is normal.  Remember, your subconcious is working hard in the background. As long as you remain present to any subtle shifts, you'll eventually realize what you DO want, clear as day.

Perhaps that aha moment looks like this:

I don't want to be married anymore - I want a divorce.

I don't want this job anymore - I want to quit.

I don't want to be alone anymore - I want to adopt a dog.

Before we move on to Step Three, there's a second part to Step Two.  And that is:

Verification.

Not every "aha" moment will result in a perfect answer or you knowing exactly what to do.

For example:

instead of getting a divorce, you and your partner decide to go to couples counseling.

Instead of quitting your job, you apply for a different role in the same company.

Instead of adopting a dog, you choose to work as a volunteer at a local animal shelter.

Verify and test whatever comes into your conscious mind before moving on, which is:

Step Three: Planning.

Now that we've had a shift in how we think, we are ready to plan.  Ken Sheldon states:

"...at some point, we cross a Rubicon of decision [aka the point of no return]. What that means is we make up our minds. We're no longer thinking about what we might want - we've now made a choice and we're going to go ahead with it...once we cross that Rubicon from deliberation to implementation, our minds operate very differently. We're no longer questioning what we're thinking. Instead, we're trying to make plans.... we want to take the next step.  We don't want to go back to that uncomfortable position of wondering what we want."

Until you cross the point of no return and have made that choice, planning is pointless.  Something I see a lot with new coaches is the desire to plan and take action - but these actions rarely stick because Step 1 and Step 2 were glossed over or skipped entirely.  Don't let this be you!

I remember my mom (hi mom!) not wanting to move from the house where she and my dad lived for 50+ years - until she DID want to move.  She crossed that point of no return and started planning for what was next (finding an apartment, going through years of stuff that had accumulated, finding a realtor, etc).

My own experience using this 3-step process

Many moons ago I was unhappy in my marriage. I was experiencing infertility, depression, and other health issues (that turned out to be autoimmune disease, but that's a story for another time).

I was miserable and didn't know what to do.

Putting this process into practice looked like this:

1) I talked to many friends. Shout-out to everyone who probably grew very tired of my sadness and complaining about the same things over and over again - but getting everything out was so helpful to me.

I eventually found a therapist, as did my partner at the time.  We also found a couples therapist.

I journaled a LOT. Oh boy did I journal...! Looking at those words now, I saw so much anger and grief - directed at others, myself, my body for letting me down, and my partner.  But it felt good to just get it out of my head and heart.

I spent a lot of time sleeping and resting.  I didn't know it at the time, but this was my body's way of saying "Slow down, your brain and body need time to process everything".

2) I started seeing glimmers of what I wanted.  I realized that I had lost myself in my marriage, and had become very co-dependant.  I didn't like that.

I started doing things to nurture myself - not the relationship - to get better in tune with who I was and what I wanted.  I took trips by myself. I went on long walks by myself.  This was *my* meditation and mindfulness practice.

I remembered how to breathe and be quiet and listen to my heart, not someone else's.

Eventually, I had an "aha moment" - I remember it clearly:  My partner and I were sitting in our therapist's office, talking over the same things again.  

And I sensed that I was done. 

And I spoke those words out loud.  I said, "I'm done."

And it felt good. There was an immediate release and a huge sense of relief.

My partner and I and our therapists continued talking (verifying) that this was what I wanted.  This took several weeks.

But verification was complete in my heart.  Eventually, my mind caught up.

3) Even though I knew what I wanted, there was SO MUCH PLANNING that took place.  For those of you who have gone through the process of divorce, you know what I mean.  Needless to say, it was a lot.

After my plans were realized and the divorce finalized, I started a new cycle of this process:

What do I do now?
What do I want my home to look like?
What emotions am I feeling? Do I want to feel?
What's missing from my life NOW?
What do I want instead of marriage?
What do I yearn for...?

Lather, rinse, repeat.

A final thought on how to self-coach for breakthroughs.

There is no set timeline for this process.  As mentioned above, you can spend days, weeks, or months in each step.  The steps can overlap.

Think of it as a map.  And when you start on your journey, you may run into construction, traffic delays, and bad weather.

But you'll get there in the end.

And if you don't get there, it's not yet the end.