Three Questions to Ask Yourself When You Feel Anxious

Do you ever find yourself wanting to feel happier? To devote more of your time to reading, going to museums, workshops, or social events? To change your habits or patterns? To do something differently - but you are unable to because anxiety kicks in?

I sure as heck do - and I'll share an experience of mine below describing how I work through that anxiety.

But first, here's a quote from author and podcast host Gretchen Rubin:

"We feel happier when
we’re growing, when
we’re learning, when
we’re fixing things, when
we’re teaching, when
we’re making the world
or ourselves a better place."

Which is a beautiful way to look at life! However:

We need to feel safe first.

Safety is necessary to move forward in this world. If we do not feel safe, we will not be able to properly learn, teach, or grow.

And by "feeling safe" I don't just mean physically out of harm's way, but also emotionally safe to open up and become aware of our inner experiences - and to share those experiences with others.

Just for the record, I strive to always create a safe space for my coaching clients so they can relax, share their thoughts and emotions, learn about themselves, and be able to follow and achieve their dreams. However, there may be deep traumas that need to be processed first.  This type of work is best suited for a licensed therapist or counselor.

The fabulous Martha Beck says that in any situation our brain asks 3 questions: 

1) Am I safe?

2) Do I belong?

and if those answers are YES, then:

3) What can I learn?

Chances are, if you are reading this, you are safe. But your mind may not believe you are safe.  Ah, the stresses of modern-day living and the tricks it plays on our subconscious! #goodtimes

Learning requires a soft, open, presence - which any of us can access at any time we are safe.

What does that openness and presence feel like? Whelp, here's what it doesn't feel like:

• a tightness in the gut
• raised shoulders
• a clenched jaw
• shallow breathing

Does any of that sound familiar?

Or are you not even aware of those sensations? <--- be honest! And it's ok if you are not aware right now.  For many of us, it can be hard to get in touch with our physical bodies (myself included).

Awareness is always the first step to presence. To help create awareness, try this:

• sit down if you are not already seated
• close your eyes if that feels comfortable
• notice if you are sensing any of the above-mentioned sensations
• put your hands over your heart and press them gently on your chest
• consciously lower your shoulders and allow your jaw to be loose
• relax your belly and take a long, deep breath in
• exhale slowly.

Keep breathing, with your hands over your chest and heart, and say to yourself,

"I am safe."

Keep consciously bringing down the shoulders, loosening the jaw, and relaxing the gut.

You may find that you are yawning, and that is great!  That indicates that there is stuck energy opening up within you.

Stay here as long as you like, then open your eyes and continue on with your day with the knowledge that you are safe.

The trick here is this:  We can use the body as a tool to circumvent the sh*t that our minds tell us.  And we all have a body, so this is a free and easy way to retrain your nervous system.

-

Here's my experience in asking myself Martha Beck's three questions:

Many of you know that I am a classical musician (horn) in addition to a coach.  This winter I am playing a Mozart opera that is quite challenging for me.

When practicing this music, my head starts going into the "what ifs".  What if I come in at the wrong place?  What if I chip a note?  What if I transpose in the wrong key (transposition can be such a land mine for horn players!)?  What if I'm out of tune with the other horn player? What if I make an ass out of myself...??

The "what ifs" can really take over.

So when warming up, I take a moment, put my hands over my heart, and ask myself:

"Am I safe?"

Resounding yes.

Then I ask, "Do I belong?"

Another resounding yes. I love my orchestra colleagues - I love playing music with them.  We all support each other.

Now the fun part:

"What can I learn...?"

Now that I am open and present, my curiosity takes over.  This presence allows the creative side of my brain to come online and ask a different set of questions:

What did Mozart want this character to feel right now? Why is this duet with the soprano and baritone in this key? What are the clarinets playing there? What if I held my horn a different way? I wonder who is in the audience tonight? What if this is their very first opera?

Focussing on the audience helped immensely. I imagined how relaxed THEY were, and pictured faces full of open smiles and wonder, staring excitedly at the stage to see what would happen next.

They certainly felt safe in that moment. They were learning, growing, and were obviously happier (lots of excellent belly laughs coming from the audience for this show!).

My greatest takeaway was that focusing on the bigger picture and not my own sh*t was quite freeing. Knowing I belonged to a group that had a common purpose (bringing joy to others) gave me all sorts of warm fuzzy feelings.

And as a result, I was happier.

But it all started with feeling safe.

So my question to you to take forward is this:

What do you do to create your own sense of safety - and happiness - regardless of what is going on in the world around you?

Safety first, everyone!

Note:  If you are not physically or emotionally safe or have experienced deep traumas, please seek professional help if you can, or talk to someone you trust who can offer support. This may not always be possible given your situation or the current state of our world. If you are someone who feels safe, I invite you to be on the lookout for those who may not feel safe, and offer your support to them - and if you are ready to learn more about yourself, your patterns, and how to make different choices for yourself to get the life you desire, let's talk.