What if you ARE enough, just as you are?

Have you ever gone to do something, maybe go to a new class, apply for a position, start a creative project, ask for what you need in a relationship, and then… you didn't?

You had this little moment of excitement or curiosity, and then something inside of you piped up and says:

"Nope. Not me. Not now. Probably not ever. Because I don’t deserve it.”

Or maybe it says:

“I’m not strong enough.”

"I’m probably going to be terrible at this”

“I'm just going to fail anyway.”

And you listened to that voice - without even realizing it. 

What I just described is a limiting belief doing its job.

What is a limiting belief?

A limiting belief is exactly what it sounds like. It's a belief you hold about yourself, about others, or about the world that limits what you think is possible.

It's basically a story you've decided is true.

And because you've decided it's true, you act accordingly.

And for many of us, these beliefs were implanted in our wee little heads when we were very, very young.

Therapist Marissa Peer talks about how the mind is not designed to make you happy.

It's designed to keep you safe.

And safe, to your nervous system, means familiar.

So when you absorbed these messages early on that "you're too sensitive," “you’re too much” "we don't do things like that in this family," "you're not the creative one," - your mind filed them away as safety rules.

And it has been following those rules ever since.

Following the rules made SENSE when you were small and dependent on the adults around you for survival.

However (and I’m gonna assume you are an adult reading this now), you are not small anymore.

But those same outdated rules you learned as a kid are running your adult life. Often, without your permission or even your awareness.

Marissa Peer also says that underneath almost every limiting belief, if you dig far enough, you'll find some version of the same core wound:

"I am not enough."

Not good enough. Not smart enough. Not lovable enough. Not worthy enough. Not capable enough.

It shows up in a thousand different costumes, but those costumes are almost always covering some version of: "I am not enough." 

I used to have a belief about not having a strong voice.

Yep, I totally 100% believed this.

It kept me from speaking up, from speaking my opinion, and from creating my podcast.

Once I started believing that I did have a strong voice, things shifted.

And now I do have that podcast. And people actually download and listen to it!!

How did I change this belief?

I didn't simply repeat an empty affirmation like "I have a strong voice" - yikes, my nervous system would never in a million years have believed that lie!!

Because:

You can't out-logic a belief that lives in your body and your nervous system.

We have to work on it from the inside out. From the body up - not that mind down.

And we have to do it with curiosity, not judgment, because judgment just adds another layer of "I am not enough" on top of the first one (and we don't want that). 

With that in mind, here is a short 3-step process to help start to shift any limiting beliefs you may have.

3 Steps to Shifting Limiting Beliefs

Step One: Find the belief in your body.

I want you to think of something you've been avoiding. A conversation, a decision, a creative project, a risk you haven't taken.

Something that feels like it should be possible but has been sitting in the "not yet" pile for a while.

Got one?

Now, I want you to notice what happens in your body as you bring this scenario to mind.

Don't analyze it yet. Just notice.

Do your shoulders tighten? Does your stomach drop? Does your chest get tight?

Do you feel a sudden urge to think about what you need from the grocery store or what to cook for dinner? (Because that's avoidance, and we all do it!)

Wherever you feel something, just breathe into it.

Don't push it away, don't try to fix it. Just stay with it for a few seconds.

Now, if that feeling in your body had a voice, what would it say?

Ask it gently:

"Hey, what would you like to say to me...?"

And listen to the first thing that comes up.  Don't overthink this.

Often, when you do this, the voice will say:

"You're going to fail."

"It's too late for you."

"You don't have what it takes."

"People won't like you."

"You're not good enough."

Whatever it is - let it come up. Write it down in the first person.

That is your limiting belief about this issue.

And now it's visible. Which is great!

On to step two.

Step Two: Question the belief.

Now that you've surfaced the belief, let's look at it.

This one is inspired by the work of Marissa Peer (that therapist I mentioned above), and it's very simple. I want you to ask this question:

"Who told me this was true?"

Not that if it’s actually true or not - but who told you that it was true..?

Was it a parent? A teacher? A sibling?

Maybe it comes from an experience you had at twelve that got logged as a universal truth?A culture? A religion? (I have a LOT of clients who feel a TON of shame from their religious upbringing, oy!)

And then ask:

"Does this person, this group, or this experience get to define what's possible for me NOW?"

Sometimes, just tracking a belief back to its origin loosens it a bit. Because you realize:

"This was someone ELSE's belief. Someone else's fear. Someone else’s experience or perspective. And I've been carrying it around like it belongs to me."

Here's a follow-up question, and this one can be a little spicy, so don't sit with it for too long:

"What has believing this cost me?"

In other words:

What have I not done?

Who have I not become?

What have I held back, stayed small around, avoided, because this belief has been running the show?

Sometimes we need to feel the COST of a belief before we are truly motivated to let it go.

Step Three: Rewrite the belief.

If you've been carrying around that belief and telling yourself a story for twenty or thirty years, your mind gets VERY comfortable with that story.

However, you CAN write a new one. And that’s what we’re going to do in this step.

Take the limiting belief you surfaced in step one. Write it down.

Now, refashion it.

Not a dramatic, over-the-top affirmation that feels like a lie (we never want to push the nervous system to suddenly try to believe something new - that just creates more resistance).

Create a believable, honest, forward-leaning version of the possible truth.

For example:

Old belief: "I'm not a confident speaker." Rewrite: "I am learning to trust my voice."

Old belief: "I always mess up relationships." Rewrite: "I am capable of growing and learning about myself." (because all relationships start with the self!)

Old belief: "It's too late for me." Rewrite: "I have time, and I have experience. Both are useful."

The rewrite doesn't have to feel 100% true yet. It just has to feel POSSIBLE.

And then, repeat it. Out loud, ideally. A lot. Not just once and then back to the old story.

The old belief was repeated thousands of times. The new one needs some repetition, too.

___

Something to be aware of is that speaking these new beliefs can be really awkward and uncomfortable. To which I will say:

You do not grow by being comfortable.

Thinking about going to the gym and working out. Maybe the workout sucks.  But afterwards, you feel good. You feel accomplished. You feel like you have more energy.  You’re thinking more clearly.

So I invite you to challenge yourself to be a little uncomfortable here!

Here’s a tip for you that I offer my clients to help with that discomfort.  When rewriting your belief, do this:

Flip your belief to its opposite, and then put the words “what if....?” in front of it.

Example:

Old belief:  "I'm not good enough." Rewrite:  “What IF I were good enough...?”

Do you feel the possibility in that...?

___

Warning!

Fair warning:  This work is usually not one-and-done. Sorry, but it's not.

Most people don't do these exercises once and then wake up with a brand new belief system (well, maybe some people do, but for most, you gotta put in the reps).

And this repetition over time? Consistent, gentle, curious attention to these patterns?

This is where real shifts happen. 

You've been rehearsing the same old story for a long time. You can absolutely rehearse a new one of your choosing. It takes practice, and it takes patience, and it takes being kind to yourself when the old story and old belief show back up.

Because it will show up and rear it's ugly little pea-brain head again.

And when it does, know that you don't have to fight it. You can just notice it, and then say to it:

"Oh, hello, there you are again. I see you. Thanks for trying to keep me safe. I'm okay now. But thank you."

Honoring those old beliefs helps them be seen, acknowledged, and easier for our bodies and minds to release.

And then after that confab with the old belief, WHAT IF you chose something different…?

What if you were safe, important, lovable, capable, and strong?  
What if you were enough…?

Spoiler alert - and this one is not a belief - it’s the truth:

You ARE enough.

Sandy

PS - You can listen to the podcast version of this article below. In this episode, I dive a lot deeper into what beliefs are and how to shift them.

Beyond the Type on SwansonCoaching.com:  https://www.swansoncoaching.com/podcasts/beyond-the-type-an-enneagram-inspired-podcast-about-being-human/episodes/2149201986

Apple: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/i-am-not-enough-and-other-lies-your-mind-believes/id1822403955?i=1000766949515

Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/episode/6uqt0qUYVZJVEuabtklKVk